An Orange Cloud

    There’s a lot going in my head I’m scared of what’s ahead   People are scary They have eyes and Ears on the Back of their heads   I would never be scared If I never loved you But I did and now I feel like it was a mistake   I’m scared for us Falling apart And never being Who we’re before   I look in the mirror And see a fraud Who never got her shit together Because she is at fault   I’m scared of my future But I wanna fight alone I don’t need another Because too many cooks spoil the stew   People are scary With their eyes and Ears at the Back of their heads   I think I’m gonna Live the high school drama Hope it don’t Leave a trauma   I’m scared of us Not sure of what we would become   I'm scared of us Scared that the eyes around Would deceive us Leave us wounded   I’m scared that maybe The people who I loved Would turn their back on us And leave us deserted   Everything seems scarier I’m scared of the eyes I’m scared o...

  This is for all my 'therapist friends' who are not just a therapist. But humans, like us.   You would give me key and I could talk Am I a mannequin or a toy from the store?   You come to me to spill your tea But right when I start, you leave   I’m just a therapist for your rants No matter how late (it is 3 am)   All you want is someone to just listen to your shit While you leave them when the deed is done   I know you give zero darns But oh boy, I give you so much love   I feel like a mannequin I fight the battle within   Alone, always But you, under rays                                                                                                   Life felt lifeless With no one to listen to me I ...

Everyone has their own versions and this is mine.   Trail Of Thoughts-  17   In this episode of trail of thoughts, I’ll be presenting my arguments on why being alive is better than otherwise.   Before I start, I want to tell you something. I am posting this now because last night I wanted to be the “otherwise”. Why? Simple, it’s the stress and pressure. Pressure from whom? Me. It’s the same old perfectionist in me feeding me all the intrusive thoughts. It says that it’s too late and nothing can be done better and right now everything is a mess and it will stay the same no matter how much I try. Now (the next morning) that I think about it, it sounds quite stupid and foolish. Reminds me of something my teacher told me when she saw the stress in my eyes. She said, “If you’re stressed about the future, try living for one day”. That got me pondering about life and living.   If you read any of my posts, you will understand that I focus mainly on livin...

  Sto-rini - 11 Today, something happened.   Everyone (kids and their mothers) was in a room just chit chatting. The kids were playing a game and suddenly one of them gets hurt. She says, “You hurt my feelings, my feelings are hurt” and rushes off.   I just sat there in a surprise actually. I was laughing because it felt funny and I was also happy she said that it hurt her. But ultimately it came off funny for me. It could’ve ended there but one of the mothers says, “I hate when kids sulk”. I didn’t like it. That hurt MY feelings. But I didn’t say so. Then another mother adds “whats so bad about (that topic that hurt the girl)?” I felt the need to interfere. I knew that girl was too young t defend herself and i also needed to have a beef with someone. (It has been long).   I said, “Even I would be embarrassed in that age”. The woman was surprised and turned her complete attention towards me. She looked like she had to hear it again to comprehend it so I d...

    I water my flower everyday Every night and every minute   What if it starts loving me? For me, you're nothing but a mere being   But for you, I'm the god Someone that provides for you   If you love me that much What would you do if I Forget to water you for a night? Or for a week or a month?   Would you forgive me for my mistake? Or was it even a mistake in the first place?   I was afraid I was gonna break your heart So instead I killed you.   Better? For me, yes.   I stand in my garden Now with no flowers   But I remember how you Once bloomed over there   When you tried to bloom your Best to catch my attention When you tried to grow over Me to have me with you   For me, you were just a flower, A mere flower Among hundred others Nothing less, maybe something more   I killed the flower It was a mistake I say to myself As I bring home new seeds to plant   A never-ending cycle with Same garden Same water Same me Same...

I love how you laugh The way you talk The way you make everyone smile The way you squint your eyes   The way you throw my troubles away The way you make me feel safe   You are someone’s enemy But forever my hero I protect you and you protect me And together we fly home   I love the way you make me feel loved The way you speak when you are happy The way you squeal when excited The way you beat those tears in your eyes   I love how you care for others Even though you pretend not to care at all The way you want to help the people Though you joke about being a dictator   I love your expressions I love your emotions When you battle within I wish I could say let it be   I love how you whisper the joke to me So I would be the one to crack it And you don’t mind about the credit   I love how you dance when alone When you think you are free of stares But I would be there And you wouldn’t care And I would be blown away   I love the way you lead others You sa...

Trail Of Thoughts- 16 Sto-rini - 10 Ok so to write this post I read my previous year post. And I noticed a few things: 1. I was a tad bit cringe 2. I had a resolution for 2022 3. I thought all my problems were solved just cuz I made friends 4. I talked mostly about what I did in the last couple of years.   So here is what we will do now. I will tell you everything about my life in 2022 (like a recap/ wrapped), so sit back and judge me!   Let me address the elephant in the room, what was my resolution for 2022? It was to work on my emotions. I used to force myself into thinking I was a robot with a metal heart (Emo era). And then I decided that it ought to change (post emo era). I think I’m still working on them. Well, better than before at least. I have a list of achievements and failures rn but I will only highlight my fails because it’s fun. 1.        Being a bad friend – insensitive to people that care about me and also a little...