the truman show

Trail Of Thought -49

Disassociating has been a problem for me since a few years and it got really intense in the last few months.

“Dissociation is when you feel disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, memories, or sense of who you are. It's a common response to stress or trauma and can affect anyone.”

It’s the concept of feeling out of body and not feeling things in first person perspective.

 

For me there is this constant narrating deity in my mind that watches me from a third person view which is also visualised in my brains. Right now, I am looking at the screen but I can also visualise a view from the top corner of my room watching myself type letters into a laptop. And sometimes, I can imagine people watching me from the said view and commenting on it like one of those Korean shows.

 

I have already talked about this deity in a previous post, it’s hilarious if you want to help yourself.

But this post is a bit different.

 

I’m using the word visualise and not imagine because those ‘commentators’ aren’t imaginary people, they are people from the current watchlist shows, like for example right now, I’m really into the British show “TaskMaster”. Post aside, it’s an amazing show where 5 comedians are competed in a series of tricky tasks to win the trophy which is a gold head of the taskmaster, Greg Davies. I had no idea what this show was before I was intrigued by a pile of compilations of the show. There are 21 seasons with about 5-10 episodes each- so no worries, you won’t run out of content.

 

Anyways, coming to my schizophrenic hobby.

As the title suggests, I have this running joke in my mind that I’m in a Truman show, which will be the rini show (would be so shitty if twas in-fact true).

For those who are unfamiliar with the movie “the Truman Show”: it’s a lifetime show about a guy named Truman living in a ‘set’ which is his ‘hometown’. Everyone around him is an actor except him and his whole life is a live broadcast- since diapers to shaving. He has not a single idea about it, except when tiny inconsistencies or ‘too perfect’ of consistencies happen that make him doubt this ‘world’ he lives in. it’s an amazing movie, the acting is brilliant and it’s an open ending.

I don’t want to give away too many spoilers. The gist is that he finds out that his whole life was a lie.

 

It is a psychological horror disguised in comedy.

 

 

 

 

So, sometimes I get absorbed by this concept and it becomes my state of mind.

 

Main character syndrome much?

 

BECAUSE of this, I have been in some really awkward situations,

Let me elaborate.

 

This one time, I was talking with a client in office about instalments-kind receipt from customers. And when explaining the concept, I took the opportunity to understand it by explaining it back to him (which he happily agreed). And here’s the exact word per word reenactment:

 Never-mind I couldn’t find the recording.

But basically, it went like this, “so if the sum was 1 lakh rupees and instalment was to be made at 10 percent each time, it’d be 10k 10k 10k 10k..”

If you speak Telugu, the last few words would phonetically be a curse word. And I realised it way too late and you should’ve seen the look on my face when I did realise it. I burst out a chortle and the man in front of me was UNFAZED. HE DID NOT GIVE A SH1T ABOUT WHAT I WAS SAYING. He just wanted out. We spoke a bit after and he left the room. I laughed my heart out in the washroom that day, quietly.

At that moment, I thought, if I was truly in the rini show, the ‘actor’ would have burst out laughing causing for there to be a re-take of that scene or whatever that should follow. And suddenly the director would say cut and people would laugh at what happened. The ‘actors’ would laugh and read their lines for the next scene.

 

Speaking of actor, I need to let this snippet of my dream out in the wild, into the internet or else I will burst my brains out.

Few weeks back, I had this dream where I was in a bus setting with some of my school friends. There were only my school mates scattered around in this huge 100 square feet ‘bus’. This is mentionable because whenever I dream, all the characters from different seasons of my life show up chaotically but this time it was strictly limited to the first 15 years of my life.

Suddenly, the setting changes to a family function under a tent scene. Before me is someone I have known from my older years. Like recently, say last year. I asked them to turn around and they did so, now sitting on the fibre chair facing me. I start the convo:

“Is the character-from-my-life canonically attractive?”

“No, not really.”

“Then why are you (the person playing the said character) so attractive?”

We both burst laughing at this corny pickup line and so does one of the schoolmates still beside me.

 

 

??????????????????????????????????????

 

I remember waking up minutes after and have that scene replay in my head a million times. I can still see it happen. DID I GENUINELY ASK THEM THAT?

OH MY GOSH.

And what did I mean with the word ‘canonically’?

It is so so insane. This is that one dream that I would not forget in the coming few years.

All of it seemed like the rest between takes and we are just actors chilling with a cold coffee on a long hot day.

 

 

I feel the dizziness of disassociation whenever I’m interacting with someone for longer than a few minutes. I feel as if they are a complete stranger and the relationship is an illusion. Whenever I’m talking with my parents, few minutes into it, when the room goes silent for a few seconds, this thought suddenly pops into my head. If I wasn’t born into this family, I would not know any of them, I would not be living with them. This is not even about feeling gratitude or reminiscing about the old times, it’s about the concept family.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful for my parents and family.

I get this feeling of coincidental familiarity with my friends as well.

 

Wait, do I need help?

 

 

Please tell me I’m not alone 😭

[I’m not alone in my head, not with all of them watching me]

 

 

This feeling of disassociating gives me existential crisis that isn’t fun like those of space and the vast universes and ever-growing insignificance of being a human.

That wasn’t fun either.

 

There will be a part 2 for this.

 

Stay tuned,

Like the people in my mind.

 

 

 

I love you,

Yourorangecloud.

 

 

PS: its not a hobby, its close to becoming my state of mind. I'm scared.

 

 

 

TDD- ten day diary

There was no post last time because things have been shit for past few weeks.

I’ve decided to post twice a month from June on. <3 I have a life.

 

Life’s getting real serious.