apologies

 Before I say anything, I’m sorry.

My last post has been on 20th august, well actually I removed my last post on 20th so technically; my last post has been on 10th august. It’s been 40 days since I have last updated my blog. Feels realllllly weird but ig the jinx finally caught on. 

I kept thinking the main goal in a blog is consistency but when the quantity is prioritized over quality, the passion for the act fades away quicker. The pressure to catch on, the ticking clock as it hits 12am every 10 days was getting under my skin. I used to look forward to posting and sharing my poems and thoughts but lately it became all about just posting. Without any real idea or thought. In the words of an anonymous commenter on my most interesting blog post in a while I need to “post something interesting”. That stung. A bit. No, actually a bit more than I would like to admit.

It came to this point where telling people I had a blog felt more exciting than actually posting in it which is so weird because at one point, only a couple of people knew about it. Yet I still posted— it was like talking to a void, and expecting nothing from it. It felt good. I even wrote a post about it, how blogging as helped me a bit with my need for validation.

But being a social animal the need for validation caught up on me sooner than later. I whispered into the void asking for audience that can talk back and not just absorb any or every word spoken into it. Then I got it, but with great cautiousness I strode on in this journey.

 My whole journey with blog post has been about understanding my life little by little while expressing about it via writing. There were days when I would be absolutely losing it with no clarity in my mind, I would sit up, write a blog post addressing the readers and by the time I reach the end, I somehow felt much better than when I did. Those are the moments that make me realize that the real person I was addressing to when writing was not the readers but me. I was writing for me but via this blog which is conveniently a public blog. Funny.

But then, the other side of the coin showed up. I can write about my life as much as I want and it wouldn’t be a problem to anyone because it’s my life and my blog. The boundaries of privacy and publicity became blurry. Everything became content, even the people in my life. It was especially horrible hearing it from others. I can’t be caught doing it again.

That feeling of compromising the privacy, the boundaries in a respectful relationship is a horrible horrible feeling. Truly a regretful action. And I did. I did regret it. That’s what made me take a break, a hiatus to fully recover into a rational and respectful human being. 

In these few days of living ‘off the grid’ (im very active on social media), I thought of so many things I wanted to write to you guys, like sharing stories of my life to a long distance best friend that you meet like ONCE in a year (im side-eyeing some people rn).

I feel this strong connection to whip up a post and write very informally to my people here on this platform. Or maybe I just miss the void. 

It’s not as depressing as it sounds but sometimes I need things to be on record without any audience. Maybe people will listen to it, or in this case read it, way after it came into existence. You know? Like an exciting fun fact. Oh hey, I have a blog that i've been posting on since I was like 15 haha.

I was thinking of so many witty posts but I just can’t get the motivation to sit in front of the computer and write it. because if I write it, I would want to post it but if I post it I have to keep posting every 10 days- and that way I am never actually taking a break I so need. 

So here's the deal, I’m still on hiatus, will be for a few more weeks (or even months idk), I honestly don’t want to know. This excitement of freedom from stressing over every 10 days feels good. WHAT HAVE I BECOME?? I used to love posting insert crying emoji

ANYWAYS,

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

Its so weird that people have asked me about not posting and I felt so loved in that few seconds of being perceived, seen and thought about. I felt loved. And this is my apology letter in the form of a very public blog post that I wanted to write to you. Because I love you for being here. Even when I didn’t want to be.

This felt good.

Hope writing always feels good.

Have a great time living.

Thankyou,

Yours lovingly,

Rini.

TDD ten day diary

I mean I just had to do it!

The past few days have been super stressful; taking a break feels illegal coupled with anxiety and stress that consumes the joy of being in a break. I want Sundays back, pls.

I bought a couple of things. I don’t have money but somehow I have more than I thought I did and I empty it all out.

I need to save yall.

Bought a pretty sweet tee. Streetwear, oversized tee saying “Tax evasion enthusiast” with a huge red lobster print.wore it to the office the day before due date for income tax returns for individuals. Sick. Loved it.