chapter 10 of i cant sing
Chapter 10
Nakshatra
Fool by Frankie cosmos has been in my head the whole day today. I’ll remember to listen to it.
When I was a kid, we used to move a lot. I studied in a different school
almost every year and sometimes more than one in the same year. That was very
messy. I asked my parents many times. They never gave me a straight answer
about why we kept moving. So I stopped asking. Asking them. Now, I ask myself.
I love interviewing myself, it’s really fun! As a single child, my evenings
were really boring for a few hours on a stretch. My parents believed in a zero screen-time
policy so I spent my leisure time writing, drawing, dancing, and occasionally interviewing
myself.
I have been asking myself questions for a few years now- weird, out-of-pocket
street interview questions that have a niche 500 word answer that I laugh at
while or after finishing.
That’s not the point. The point is there is this one question that’s haunting
me, one question I don’t yet know the answer to. I feel like a fool thinking
about it.
I feel like a fool not answering it,
Not just to the person asking
But myself as well.
Everything seems so sudden
Like life is so mad at me
For trying to escape living
As I try to bury my head like an ostrich.
While that may be a myth
But I guess I don’t know shi
When it comes to living
And loving and lovingliving
I’m not scared
Nor am I excited
I’m anxious
To the point I have no idea why
Why is everything so
So
So
I don’t get it. Why can’t I complete this poem? I don’t even understand
why I even started it.
I don’t understand.
Why does this seem like a big deal when
When
The world could end anytime
Yet I’m worried of your reply
Life on earth can be wiped out
Yet I’m so scared to look into your eyes
Existential crisis is in my mind
Yet my heart keeps beating for you
We can all die any minute now
Yet my waking thought is about you
Why am I not scared of this?
What if someone rips apart my brain,
And they see that there’s a storm,
And it’s your name in the rain.
I write your name at the back of my mind
Yet it is what i see when I close my eyes.
I feel like a fool
When I look for you.
I feel like a fool
When I try to forget you.
I find it hard to believe
You’ve got nothing for me.
But it’s so hard to believe
We could be something.
Why are my dreams always setting me up with you
And why do they always end in a tragedy of two
Why is that
I don’t understand?
What is that
I don’t understand?
Why don’t you spell it out for me?
Why do you torture my heart like this?
Why is that you’re all I want
While I’m a puppet in your play?
Is this a game for you? Is it fun playing with my heart?
Is it fun for you? To see my emotions be
Be
Be
AHH I’ve lost it.
My mind is playing games with me.
Or is it my heart? Wait heart is but an organ that pumps blood.
It’s not me. It’s him. I don’t understand him. I don’t understand me. Why
is love so complicated? After what he did today, after what he implied, I have
no interest in love, at least not with him.
Good bye diary.
And the drama continues..
OH MY GOD. Can I tear into your brain and eat it???? You captured the feeling of an all consuming crush so perfectly. I am in awe
ReplyDeleteAHHH THANK YOUUU, no you can't eat it, and yes maybe you can relate to it.
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