chapter 10 of i cant sing

By Rini -

 

Chapter 10

 

 

Nakshatra

 

 

Fool by Frankie cosmos has been in my head the whole day today. I’ll remember to listen to it.

 

When I was a kid, we used to move a lot. I studied in a different school almost every year and sometimes more than one in the same year. That was very messy. I asked my parents many times. They never gave me a straight answer about why we kept moving. So I stopped asking. Asking them. Now, I ask myself.

 

I love interviewing myself, it’s really fun! As a single child, my evenings were really boring for a few hours on a stretch. My parents believed in a zero screen-time policy so I spent my leisure time writing, drawing, dancing, and occasionally interviewing myself.

 

I have been asking myself questions for a few years now- weird, out-of-pocket street interview questions that have a niche 500 word answer that I laugh at while or after finishing.

 

That’s not the point. The point is there is this one question that’s haunting me, one question I don’t yet know the answer to. I feel like a fool thinking about it.

I feel like a fool not answering it,

Not just to the person asking

But myself as well.

 

Everything seems so sudden

Like life is so mad at me

For trying to escape living

As I try to bury my head like an ostrich.

 

While that may be a myth

But I guess I don’t know shi

When it comes to living

And loving and lovingliving

 

I’m not scared

Nor am I excited

I’m anxious

To the point I have no idea why

 

Why is everything so

So

So

 

 

I don’t get it. Why can’t I complete this poem? I don’t even understand why I even started it.

I don’t understand.

 

Why does this seem like a big deal when

 

When

 

The world could end anytime

Yet I’m worried of your reply

Life on earth can be wiped out

Yet I’m so scared to look into your eyes

 

Existential crisis is in my mind

Yet my heart keeps beating for you

We can all die any minute now

Yet my waking thought is about you

 

Why am I not scared of this?

What if someone rips apart my brain,

And they see that there’s a storm,

And it’s your name in the rain.

 

I write your name at the back of my mind

Yet it is what i see when I close my eyes.

 

I feel like a fool

When I look for you.

I feel like a fool

When I try to forget you.

 

I find it hard to believe

You’ve got nothing for me.

But it’s so hard to believe

We could be something.

 

Why are my dreams always setting me up with you

And why do they always end in a tragedy of two

 

Why is that

I don’t understand?

What is that

I don’t understand?

 

Why don’t you spell it out for me?

Why do you torture my heart like this?

Why is that you’re all I want

While I’m a puppet in your play?

 

Is this a game for you? Is it fun playing with my heart?

Is it fun for you? To see my emotions be

 

Be

 

Be

 

AHH I’ve lost it.

 

My mind is playing games with me.

 

Or is it my heart? Wait heart is but an organ that pumps blood.

 

It’s not me. It’s him. I don’t understand him. I don’t understand me. Why is love so complicated? After what he did today, after what he implied, I have no interest in love, at least not with him.

 

Good bye diary.

 

 

 

 

 

And the drama continues..

Comments

  1. Anonymous11 May 2025 at 17:38

    OH MY GOD. Can I tear into your brain and eat it???? You captured the feeling of an all consuming crush so perfectly. I am in awe

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. An Orange Cloud11 May 2025 at 21:10

      AHHH THANK YOUUU, no you can't eat it, and yes maybe you can relate to it.

      Delete

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