the misery i dont despise

Sometimes I wish that I can just lay on my bed, cry about all my problems, right from the beginning like when my dad tricked me into eating my jalebi when I was like 3 to the unhappened future events like being on my deathbed with my husband on my side in the hospital bed weeping as I take my last breath. I like doing that.

 

The misery I don’t despise.

 

That feeling of melancholy that brings me closer to the box I filled with emotions and shut close could be days ago, or even years in the past. That feeling of being wrapped around with a warm heavy blanket even on a sunny day with fan on full speed and AC on blast.

 

Sometimes I wish to take comfort in the sadness that washes over me due to a tiny conflict.  

 

I wish to be covered with dark grey clouds ready to storm all over my mind.

 

I wish to stay in a dark blue walled hotel room, with paintings of pretty little flowers not yet ready to bloom, with waterfalls, not so glory when looked with scrutiny, with a giant chandelier in the middle of the room with a risk of falling down any moment, riskier if jumped on bed, with a giant door that has broken locks, with windows that have the view of a brick wall adjacent to the hotel, with many pillows on the bed that can swallow me whole and keep me comfortable at the same time. It’s nice to imagine sadness a happy story.

 

I wish to be in a short story, with the knowledge it’s a short story, wanting to stay forever in the fairytale i could never have.

 

Sometimes I feel like I’m living to di1, not dying to live.

 

The feeling of losing myself and being so full of myself are at a shuffle, my mind no longer adapts to either.

 

I wish to be locked in silence with a pen and my trusted diary that no one would ever read, unless I send a picture to them in WhatsApp. I wish to be sad and be bothered by everything, blame myself, guilt trip myself, bawl my eyes out, be lovingly held with no complaints or whispers that only I can hear. I wish to be held by my soul and not just my body. I wish to be touched with such love I don’t even feel my clothes on my body or the goose bumps i get. I wish to be listened, seen, known, understood, described, talked about so lovingly, I don’t hear the bad.

 

I wish for my silence to be not only heard but listened to, acted upon, taken care of. I wish my silence meant something.

 

I wish to be sad.

 

And I hate that.

 

I hate that I want to be sad.

 

 

There is so much joy and love in the world but I want to be looking out to a rainbow from a four walled room. I wish to see the colours, not be a part of it. For even blue is a colour and the only colour I can afford with my mental state. A dark ocean blue, where the night kisses the low tide good night. Where the stars are too far and dying to be part of the ocean. For the clouds are more than happy to rip of their bandage and rain away. For the fishes bid goodbye to the light they never experience, to the warmth they never feel. It’s the dark ocean with no shore in sight, a lonely fisherman lost in greed, a burning, dying lantern in his hand, who would only move if for a sign of fish but not of shore. Maybe he deserves the drowning that death gifted him.

 

Sometimes I wish to be a witness of life itself; but not live myself.

 

It’s a misery I don’t despise.

 

 

 

 

~The End~

 

Well, that was pretty sad.

Honestly? I don’t feel this way all the time; I guess even bad days have their time on my schedule. Just wish I had access to that schedule. Missed opportunity.

 

I put a lot of thought in this post. Heck a lot of metaphors to play with. I love metaphors. I love similes too, wait I love everything that connects two or more dots. It’s amazing. I love writing. I love to write.

 

This was written on one of those bad days where I wished for warmth on a summer afternoon. Different kind of warmth.

Also you can tell this was written a while ago as the season changed altogether. IT’S RAINY SEASON. I low-key love rainy season. If I was asked to rank seasons, I’d be very happy to yap about the stratosphere and whatnot (im of commerce background). I love rainy season. It’s so humid, cloudy, no tan issue, breezy, no need for a sweater but not the time for sleeveless either. We can survive a few hours without electricity.

Of course there are as many downsides as there are upsides. I ain’t got time for allat, this aint an essay writing competition for “Rainy season: pros and cons!” typa blog.

 

Well, that was mean.

 

Anyways, I hope everyone has a great day despite the really melancholic post you just read.

 

All I wanted to convey through this post was that it’s okay to be sad. Honestly? I think everyone should embrace sadness every once in a while and cry their eyes out.

 

I love you,

 

Yours lovingly,

Rini.

 

 

TDD: ten day diary

WOOOHOO I WENT TO NEW DELHIIII

I’ve never been to New Delhi before. It was amazing. It was convocation for rank holders. I got AIR 22, remember honey?

It went really good. Met loads of amazing people! It truly doesn’t feel like flexing when you’re in a room full of winners. It feels amazing and it did. Shout out to my little group of strangers that became very close in so little time. Loved the time spent with them!

 

I got super sick after I got wet in the rain. It was literally just 5 minutes in a slightly sprinkling rain and I got f-ed up. I couldn’t get off of my bed for a whole day. Yum.

 

Also, I auditioned for a fest to sing a parody song. It’s on espresso by Sabrina carpenter. Let me know if you want to have a look at the lyrics. They’re low-key amazing (my friend told me). I wrote the lyrics, just in case you missed it. Ya. So like, ya.

 

Love life, what not.

 

Also, ALSO, WE ARE HALF-WAY ACROSS 2025????????????????????????????????

Yep that needs a lot of question marks. HALF WAY THERE?????????

Impossible. Well, it is possible but like ???????????

 

Have a great existential crisis on this crisp Monday Im posting. I don’t regret my posting time ;)

 

Have a lovely julaayiiii

 

Thank you,

Rini.

Tragically employed teen.