missing

  

Missing things in the way I wanna go back and relive them

Trail Of Thoughts- 39

Sto-Rini-27

 

The other day in work, (during break time- if anyone from my work is reading) my senior was playing video games. And I, who can’t keep her eyes to herself, was watching the game play. He was playing India free fire-something, not sure. That reminded me of the time when I used to play pubg with my brother back in 2020. I told my senior the story where when my brother and i were on a jeep in the game, I accidentally threw the gr4nede on us and killed us both in that round. (Idk why my brother was reluctant playing with me after that, smh)  

Anyways, that story caught his attention and I asked him if he plays gta-vice city. That game has been in my home computer for as long as I can remember. I think I remember installing it but I’m not sure, memory’s fuzzy. I was getting excited and was about to ask him about a mission in the game and he goes, “I know what you’re talking about. It’s the helicopter placing bombs in the building mission.” He didn’t even hesitate, he didn’t even confirm, he was saying a statement, it was not doubt. It almost seemed like even if my mission was different I was to change it. Lmao. I was shook. I nodded yes and started ranting about how infuriating that mission was. Then I proudly announced that ‘we’ completed the game. He asked confused, ‘”we?”

“well, you see” I continued with a tint of embarrassment, “my brother I play together, well- he plays, I stand next to him and go ‘you can do it!’ ‘Omg on your left’ ‘USE PANZER’ YAHHHH’ and stuff like that.” At this point, I just wanted to talk about it. “We completed COD too.” I added with pride.

 

He then started naming other video games and one of them was “Prince of Persia”. I couldn’t quite place it but I felt like i heard that somewhere. A quick Google search revealed that, that was a core part of my childhood. “OMG THIS GAME!!!” I nearly screamed. He then proceeded to tell the story line but nope- nothing before my eyes. All I see is a flashback of my brother fighting a huge a-s monster with a katana type sword. It was amazing. I remember my brother dying multiple times, closing the game in frustration, taking a break, and coming back to play, all while I sit like an audience to his anger management show. It was truly frustrating not gonna lie.

 

We then proceeded to watch the game play of the game but none. Nothing came to my head, honestly. But the graphics realllllly are a core part of my childhood.

I can imagine the nostalgia in my head (from inside out) coming out to talk about it, and joy trying to find the memory but there’s only very little to be reminiscent about.

 

All this and some doomscrolling on nostalgia made me think. Like a lot. I wish to be back in time, and listen to the radio in the game be the same as the one playing from the kitchen while my mom is cooking; I want to go back to the time where I used to beg my mom to make a sponge cake ending with me sitting beside her crying to finish it (because it didn’t turn out good but mom doesn’t want to waste it); I wanna go back where I would complete my holiday homework in the first 10 days and last days of holidays and chill the whole summer; back when my best friend and I used to make time tables to follow, on the first of the summer, till the end which we never followed through; back when she and I used to watch Barbie movies EVERY single day, memorise the songs, sing to each other while stargazing till 8pm, back when I had a sleepover in her house ONE time over the 10 years we were neighbours in the SAME apartment; I wanna go back to the time when I met up with my other best friend and we would tear up papers and act like they were superpowers throwing them around; back when we made a whole ass list with every super power imaginable and imagined ourselves as the powerpuff girls (I am the green one); back when I used to cry because I couldn’t play with her and instantly have my mood turned around when she shows up; back when I would play from dawn and dusk, not have a worry in life; back when I used to- pretend to watch the news and enjoy the comedy show after with my whole family; back when my parents, brother and I used to sleep on the terrace when it got too hot and the AC stopped working, so we stargazed, talked for an hour and got back in to sleep deeply; back when we used to make a whole kundi of buttermilk in the morning to drink the whole day (finished before 4); back when we played teacher game and each wall was a classroom and chalk pieces were hard to conquer; back when we used to invent levels to play hopscotch for hours together; back when this one time my kitkat had no wafers, only chocolate blob; back when we used to play this wall gamer where I was the ‘aatalo attipandu’ because I was the youngest; back when older kids would play cricket and we tease them; back when not being able to ride a bicycle was my deepest secret; back when we  weren’t in ‘serious’ grades; back when we used to hold hands and walk to the nearest store to chill in the AC and run errands; back when 10Rs was a huge pocket money to buy ice-cream (grape and orange are my love); back when there were those jelly popsicles !!!!; back when dinner with all the neighbours on the terrace was a thing; back when everyone brought bed sheets and the grownups sat and the children would run around playing; back when singing was a source of entertainment not songs on phone; back when parents would ‘forget’ their phones at home when on terrace; back when my best friend and I would make ‘food’ in our kitchen set and ‘serve’ the said food to my relatives who came to our house; back when even though we had nothing to do or play, we would still meet at 4pm on the terrace everyday; back when playing holi was two rounds-one dry and one with water (sometimes one on the terrace); back when new year party started 5 hours before the clock hits 12; back when dancing in front of neighbours wasn’t scary; back when sitting together while eating was a serious thing; back when new school year meant a sea of wrapping paper in the living room;

 

 

I could keep going.

 

I never understood why adults would tell us to enjoy life while we can when we were just 10, but oh boy, now I do. Now I understand. I get that it’s not that serious but change is change. It doesn’t have to be big or small, change is still change. Life becomes scary but manageable, boring but funny, stressful but- well stressful.

 

In this post, I talked about missing things in the way I want to go back and relive them. Which is a different experience because every time I miss things, I get happy tears- happy it happened, tears that it’s already happened. But the past week, I felt this immense pain in the pit of my stomach that screams at me when the weather's so breezy and beautiful while i'm working before a 32 inch excel sheet for 8 hours a day, 6 days a week. “Get a life”- it screams into the void of numbers and data.

 

I did not wish for time travel. I wish to relive the past in the present. With its own twists of magic and time.

 

 

This post may be silly for some. As for me, it’s the state of my mind for a few days (or worse, weeks).

The only way I could validate my feelings was by writing about it. Even still, I feel like I can write it much better, articulate my state of mind in a much clearer way but the day hasn’t come yet. I’m yet to understand myself. And it’s so goddamn hard. It’s hard.

 

 

The only positive note I can leave to this post is that I’m trying. I'm trying to be better, better understanding my place, my state and myself. You’ll know when I stop trying, you’ll know.

 

 

 

This is a torn piece of my diary I put by my bed. There’s an even smaller piece that I didn’t feel brave enough to post.

 

 

Everything will be fine,

Even if it won’t be,

It will be for your own good.

 

To trying.

 

 

Thank you for reading,

Invading my privacy, in other words. (This is a public post, ik)

 

Yours lovingly,

Rini.

Tragically employed teen.

 

 

 

PS: if you’re someone I know in real life, the only follow up i expect is a meet up. I crave for human interaction which doesn’t include anything about ‘data’, ‘excel’, ‘vlookup’, etc.  

 

PPS: let’s plan for Sundays only.