was it a mosquito, or did i just hit myself too hard

By Rini -
TW: mentions of r-pe, bl0od



This is an analogy, don’t take it literally.

So basically this is about situations where you over think and rip off the band aid.

Forgive me that was another analogy.

 

Let me explain with a small example. Imagine there was a test tomorrow. You studied really hard, like you pulled an all-nighter for it. Later you find out the exam is very easy. Almost too easy. It’s not because you studied so well, because all your friends who didn’t study like you got the same marks as you.

 

So ya.

 

Searching metaphors in everything but in reality there is nothing interesting in it.

 

There are times in life when you put in a lot of efforts even when it’s not needed.

 

 

 

"The Absinthe Drinker" by Edgar Degas

 

 

Was it a mosquito?

Or did I just hit myself too hard?

 

Was it a 6 feet deep pool?

Or did I just drown in a pond?

 

Was it a heart break?

Or did I just cry over a simple attention?

Or am I that attention deficient?

Or am I that needy of external validation?

 

Was it a trigger?

Or did I just overreact?

 

Was it an assault?

Or am I born girl

And therefore my fault

If I think something bad

Has happened to me?

 

Am I dying?

Or am I just a girl in a world where female bodies are not tested with medicines or even menstrual products that are solely used by females?

 

Am I being poisoned?

Or is it just my sanitary napkin

The one which was not originally tested with period blood

Or is it my toxin coated menstrual pad?

 

Is it a heart attack?

Or am I in pain because of my periods?

 

Am I sleep deprived

Or is it the educational system not acknowledging the need for sleeping for adolescents?

 

Am I lost in life?

Or is it just my evolving/ developing brain trying to choose the career for the rest of my life?

 

Am I sick?

Or just too stressed

To think

To plan

To eat

To move

To sleep?

 

Is it an online trend?

Or a machine creating new ways to be sad?

 

Is it laziness?

Or is it my periods when I need more sleep and rest

While my body breaks down layer of blood lining

And pushes it out of me for five days straight?

 

Am I an attention seeker?

Or do I need care and love when im at my lowest and can’t find any love in myself?

 

Am I lazy in the afternoon?

Or is it the female body which has different cycle (lasting a month),

Different from male which lasts a day?

Or is it my habit that I’m trying to change?

 

Am I paranoid?

Or do I need to fake call someone while walking alone on street, be it morning or evening?

Or do I need to carry a weapon, could be pepper spray or keys, sharp?

 

I'm probably overthinking. The person following me for 10 minutes, 10 steps behind while I go home from school may not be a stalker. I mean he IS 10 steps behind. He probably lives in the same small alley as my home. Right?

 

Was it consent?

If it was not free

And coerced?

 

Was it harassment?

Or just me overacting

And overreacting?

 

Was it insecurities?

Or was I casually crying myself to sleep everyday for months so I can sleep peacefully from the sleep hormones released from tears?

 

Is it a taboo?

Or is it literally human anatomy and nature of women to bleed 20-30 milliliters of blood, broken down from internal organ, every month accompanied by hormonal disturbances and toxic chemicals filled products so near to an open organ which may lead to irritation, infection or worse, cancer?

 

Was it rape?

 Or did I ask for it?

Or did I want it?

Or was I too weak to be roaming outside late at night wearing oversized tee and long pants showing off my fully covered body while I had no place to step outside past 9pm with many men outside?

Was it my fault?

 

Was it a mosquito?

I could get malaria if I don’t kill it,

I could miss the mosquito and

Just hit myself too hard

But in the end, im not dead

 

I'm alive.

Dead,

But alive.






this may be one of my best works yet. it's simply chefs kiss.

i have a lot to add but not the mood to. let the poem speak for itself, amirite?




hope you're having a great day.


thankyou


see you in the next one,

rini.



TDD: ten day diary

had the best week of my life. got an all india rank when i least expected it. life is good.

also lot of mentions of periods in the poem, a coincidence or not <3


love love love


byeeee


Comments

  1. Anonymous21 February 2025 at 09:59

    This is my new favorite work of yours. I know I'll be coming back to this everytime I feel like I'm overreacting. I feel so seen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. An Orange Cloud1 March 2025 at 00:04

      thank you so much. I'm glad i made you feel seen. life is funny that way, its unpredictable but it makes being seen and recognised so cozy and homey.

      Delete

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