there's still time

 

It reeks of sickness. Life and death seem to be the only choices one can make. Yes, some people choose death over dying for it’s faster. It’s mostly old people who have been confined to the beds, machines, needles, medicines that choose a straight line. There are still people who, even though being in the bleakest of lives choose to be hopeful and fight for their lives every single day. And then there are those, those who know when they’re going to die. Those whose death has given them a time, oh so limited too. Those who can’t just choose to die now but continue to die slowly until it’s time.

 

Maya is the last one. "In the movies, when the character has cancer" starts Maya hesitantly shifting her eyes from the doctor and her mom “their hair, it starts falling and stuff." feeling her brown hair, still growing, with her right hand,” why is mine ... still there?" "THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT TO ASK?" Maya’s mom screams echo in the hospital room. She stands beside Maya in dishevelled hair and puffed up eyes. Maya, sitting on the stretcher, gulps hard with the doctor before her, examining the monitor. Her father tries to calm her mother down while at the same time keep himself composed. Maya looks down at her lap fiddling with the hospital bracelet, controlling her tears, feeling guilty for being curious when she clearly has to be depressed. "Renal cell carcinoma, i.e., kidney cancer is notorious for that. There are no visible symptoms until it’s too late." The doctor answers. "Oh" Maya responds dejected.

 

After a while, Maya and her parents are in the car on their way to home, she is sitting in the back looking out the window, her mom is holding the dozens of medicines for Maya, and her father is driving in complete silence. Interestingly enough the silence was deafening. "i want to go to school tomorrow" Maya says in almost a mumble after a lot of contemplation. Before her mother says anything, her father says in a calm voice "are you sure? Would you be able to?" "Yes," Maya says confidently but the tremble in her voice gives it away. "I want to." she finishes her sentence. The father glances at her mother who's in a loss for words. He holds her hands firmly, squeezes it, and finally says "alright then, ill drop you tomorrow morning. Don’t be late monkey." It’s clear he wants to cheer Maya and his wife up but it’s too late.

 

At home, Maya wants to be left alone. But her mother wants to spend any waken moment with her. With much persistence from the father, Maya is finally left alone. Maya lies in her bed, staring at the beautiful glow in the dark stars she put on ceiling, back when she was healthy. It was a hassle! She had to cut the double tape into small pieces so it’s not visible but also big enough to hold onto the stars. It was a random 2am energy hit that lead to the indoor stargazing situation. She was playing songs on her headphones, dancing to the beats, singing the lyrics (rather badly), and just loving life as it was. Eyes blurry and tears start rolling down her cheeks as she reminisces of her past, it hasn’t even been a couple of months. She was so happy, she had dreams, she had a future, and she was in love with life after a long long time. She even said I love you to herself in the mirror for the first time in years. She was finally letting herself be happy, letting herself laugh, letting herself eat.

 

Maya starts sobbing all while lying in the bed. "NO NO NO WHY GOD WHY? WHY ME? I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO LOVE LIFE. WHY" Maya starts screaming at the stars "WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THINK IT WAS OKAY....., OKAY TO DREAM?" Maya starts bawling uncontrollably.  Her parents barge into the room and see Maya breathing heavily, crying like never before, and clutching her heart. It was a panic attack, worse than she ever had before. Her mother loses it; she takes Maya into her arms and tries to calm her down. "GET THE XX TABLETS FROM THE TABLE" the father runs to get the medicines and some water. "I DON’T, gasp, I DONT WANT TO DIE, MOM PLEASE, gasp NO MOM I DONT WANT TO DIE" Maya screams in between huffs of breaths and sobs. "Everything will be fine, take the medicines kanna" her father tries his very best to sound calm and hands Maya the couple of medicines and bottle. Maya takes them and gulps down water. "Mom, dad," Maya can’t stop sobbing, she can’t even look up at her parents "i’m sorry," the guilt of being sick is eating up her sane mind, "i’m sorry for being sick, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry" tears flow through her cheek onto her lap. Rubbing her cheeks her mother says "nonsense. We love you thalli, we love you always. Don’t be sorry" her dad nods in assurance, smiles in the daddy-is-always-here way that just hits Maya right. That was all she needed, her parents to be right there for her. Her panic subsides. She is finally looking at her parents, there’s still guilt but it’s not eating her as fast as before, the love from them sure helps.

 

The medicines were the dizzy kind that made her fall asleep almost immediately. 12 hours later, it’s 7am. It felt like a dream. So surreal. Was it a dream? A little flutter in her heart, what if it was a very real nightmare? What if it all was just a nightmare? Hope spreads on her face as she walks out of her room. The warm sunlight from the balcony feels so fresh and enticing. On the dining table are all her medicines for the 2 months the doctor prognosticated for her to be healthy enough to be mobile. It was not a nightmare in her sleep. It is a nightmare in her life. In her real life. She sighs, not of relief but of defeat. Her father is already awake organising the medicines as per intake. "Good morning sunshine" he says in a cheerful tone that even Maya breaks into a smile. "Good morning dad" she says in small voice as she strides towards the table slowly. Her mom peeks out of the kitchen to look at Maya and when she makes eye contact she too smiles brightly and greets her. Maya feels lighter, relieved at how normal life feels, except for the enormous amounts of medicines before her. It’s nice to be normal.

 

After taking a couple before breakfast, couple after, and couple for lunch, Maya packs all the medicines in a little pouch to take to school. "Are you sure you want to go?" Mother asks one more time as Maya wears her socks. "Yes mom, I want to feel normal. Please?" Maya knows her mother can’t say no to her puppy eyes. "Alright then, take care. I love you. Be careful, don’t forget the medicines, dad will come pick you up in the evening, wait in the class till he comes to the premises. Okay?" "Yes, yes, yes, I understand mom. Bye, I’ll be back in the evening!" Mother is glad Maya is at least excited in this condition. Maya is still anxious.

 

No one knows about her condition, she didn’t tell anyone. Everyone knows she is sick but the degree of sickness is unknown to all except for a couple. She is late to school, there’s no one in the premises except for a couple of late comers. None of whom are her from her class. Maya’s father insisted on asking for permission to enter, and it worked. "Be careful, okay? I’ll come pick you up in the evening, okay? I love you." Maya says fighting back her tears "Yes yes I know dad. I love you."

 

Maya steps into the class, apologises to the teacher for being late and sits at her desk. She follows through the class, writes in her notes, date is December 18^th, notes down the test dates, syllabus to cover by then and so on. The teacher announces to the class, “the annual exams are expected to start in the end of Feb. or march. Syllabus will be completed by month end. I hope everyone is confident in at least the completed chapters.” When the bell rings and the teacher leaves, all her friends rush to her place like the press questioning the new president of her policies. "How are you now?" "you’re back!!! Does that mean you’re alrighty now??" "I’m so happy you’re back”  “we missed you so much!" "How are you feeling?" "Jwhoduekeoeukeodidh"

Megha, Maya’s closest friend notices how choked up she got from all the questions and lack of air. She nudges Maya’s shoulder with a "hey!" That brings back Maya from wherever she just went. "Ah fuc. Guys, thank you but im not feeling really well. im sorry. i need to go to the washroom" Maya stands up, stumbling a bit, and Megha takes her to the washroom.

 

Maya washes her face while Megha stands beside her, looking cautious. The cold water eases her warm face. Megha is very curious about everything but doesn’t want to cause discomfort to her dear friend. Maya could sense the tension, the invisible block of ice between her and her friend, but Maya feels she is not obligated to cater to her curiosity. Maya wanted to come to school so she can experience normalcy, something other than the constant reminder of her ailing health and near death. She is dying but she can die earlier by keep thinking of that. She wants to live in any way possible, even if it’s living in denial.

 

Megha says in a cheerful tone after an awkward silence of washing faces, "Rohit asked for you. He said he wants to talk to you." "My Rohit?" Maya blushes instantly at the name of her crush. They’ve been friends forever. She always admired him but only when she got older she realised it was not as friend. It was 5 years ago when her parents were having a huge fight and Maya stormed out of the flat and ran to the terrace to cry. She didn’t want to be noticed so she curled up in the corner of the little shed. That day she cried her heart out with little huffs and deep breaths. That’s when she heard a noise and it was Rohit with his toy gun in his hands, standing before her. He was there this whole time. He was always there. He sat beside her without uttering a single word. He sat there till she cried her eyes out and fell asleep on his shoulders. Rohit stayed till her parents came up searching for Maya. She loved that moment with him and she loved him more from that day on. But she never told him. Why? She didn’t want to ruin the friendship. Classic. "Yeah your Rohit" Megha teases Maya. "Shut up, i didn’t mean it that way!" Maya quickly defends herself but the rose tinted cheeks give it away. Megha always knew about her little crush. She almost squealed in class when Maya told her about it. "Where? Where did he want to meet?" Maya asks subtly, as if she couldn’t be more obvious. "Our usual spot. And don’t worry, i won’t be involving in your conversation wink wink" "but-" "yes yes, I’ll be on lookout." "Ah i knew i loved you." Maya smiles brightly for the first time in days. "I love you too" Megha replies heartily.

 

It’s already lunch time and Maya and Megha rush to their spot to have their lunch. By the time they reach, Rohit is already sitting there, waiting anxiously. When he locks eyes with Maya he almost jumps with joy and runs to her "Heyyyy, missed you so fucing much!!!" "Ahhh i missed you too rohii!!" Maya says back blushing at the fact he missed her. Her heart beats with such excitement, different from the anxious waiting outside the hospital lab, her eyes shift from Rohit to Megha with love and admiration, she feels lighter in this normalcy she dreamed of in the car ride home from hospital. The three then start sharing stories and gossip from all around the school in the two weeks Maya was in hospital. Maya never laughed this hard since the news. Right, the news. Would she ever tell them? her thoughts revolve around the imaginary scene where she does tell them about the prognosis and the certainty of death. How would they react? she wonders if their treat her any differently, or worse, if they’d pity her? Silence grows. Rohit and Megha exchange glances as concern washes over their faces. Maya seems to be in her own world now, world full of fear, worry- “hey, I’ll just go get my water bottle, you guys keep talking.” Megha announces and leaves. Maya is brought back into the real world with that, she is now all alone with Rohit, in the garden. The food in her grew cold and is half full but her appetite is long gone. She dejectedly closes the lunchbox and takes the medicines out of her little pouch. After taking the medicines, Rohit asks her, “so?” “hm? What?” Maya responds. “i knew you weren’t paying attention to me;” Maya gets embarrassed and raises her eyebrows as a prompt to repeat himself and he does, “i was asking if you want to talk about it.” “about what?” Maya answers trying to be oblivious of the topic. It’s already eating her up from inside, there’s no use for it to eat him up as well. it’s better to be closemouthed about it.

 

Rohit tries again on getting some or any information about her health and diagnosis. Maya stays mum. “okay, I’m guessing you’re not telling me because, hmmm, well, i think, it’s a surprise? Is it nothing to be worried about?” Maya looks up at him, in his eyes there’s a sparkle she doesn’t want to diminish and says, “yes. There’s nothing you need to worry about.” Rohit sighs in relief, he feels happy, and he is happy for her and happy for them. You see, Rohit wants to propose to Maya on the valentine’s day. He knows her parents will be okay with it because they love him so much. Rohit wants to shoot his shot, take the risk, and give in 100% for this. He is going all in for the proposal. He didn’t tell anyone about it, not even Megha. Ever since he was a kid, he loved spending time with Maya, he pulled her hair for attention, he went to her with a scraped knee for care, he told her his funniest jokes to see her laugh, to see her smile, to see her happy. He always wanted to be her happiness. He loved her from the start. He looks at Maya, smiling and subtly blushing and says, “Good. I’m glad.”

 

That night, Maya writes in her diary, “if only” in large bold font. ‘if only’ was her only thought the whole day. If only i was healthy, if only i was not sick, if only i identified the cancer earlier, if only the cancer wasn’t fatal, if only she could just d1e- if only.... if only Rohit knew- no no, he shall never know. No, no, he is the one normal thing she has, she can’t lose that or else she will lose her sanity. No no, he shall not know.

 

That same night, Rohit writes in his little binder ‘valentine proposal’, “there’s still a lot of time.”

 

~The End~

heyyy, how was it?? i was bawling when i wrote the glow in the dark stars scene.

fun fact: its inspired by my own room decoration. not manifesting anything here pls.

i hope you guys love itttt, because i do. 

and no i will not continue this story, i say looking dead in your eyes. 

thankyou soo much for reading alll the way to the end. 

love love love

thankyou,

rini.

TDD- ten day diary

omg guys guys guys, i'm gonna be in an e-magazine!! i studied in kv, remember? 

ill keep the link once i get it, i'm soo excited. you'll be very proud of what i cooked there.

byeeee, all the love to you.