best of me

Stor-rini- 21

One thing about being someone who scores the highest in a class full of buffoons uninterested students is that you never try your best. I get the highest in my class and everyone would congratulate me for that, but deep down, my teacher and I know that it wasn’t the best of me. I can do better. Better than this at least. 

When I saw my paper, I noticed all the silly mistakes I have made, very silly. I could have easily got 5 marks (more or less) if only had I applied the formulae right and maybe my brain. To add to the pain, my teacher said I should’ve got 10 marks less if it were for a strict correction. He went on saying how easy the paper was and it truly cut right through my heart. I could do much better and it’s as if a rubber sky is stopping me from flying high or my feet are tied to the ground. It’s either of that or I’m losing my mind here. I truly hope it’s not the last one. It’s definitely not worth it. The fact that I’m blaming the surroundings in the first two cases is not something I’m proud of. I can be better than that. But I really did practice well this time. I really did. So it’s even harder than normal.  

My school friends reading this may find it nerdish or weird (even offensive, sorry) but I know myself better than they do. They may think that I should be happy with what I got but how can I be if I could achieve more than this?

It’s like eating that vanilla ice-cream and noticing the chocolate one right next to it. [Note that chocolate flavour stands first in my favourite flavours list and second vanilla] If only you laid your eyes all over or had a bit more patience, you could be eating your favourite ice-cream but instead you were in a hurry or you thought you knew better than anyone. Over-confidence? Most people in my life say this, they say I’m over-confident; I overlook my mistakes and consequently lose a part of my pride. 

Maybe academics is the only pride I have, it’s the one thing I know I’m good at. Academic validation means a lot to me. And even I know I’m not good at anything else, to be honest. I can write, that’s one thing but I can only write. It’s not like there are marks in this thing. 

Maybe that is why I write. To escape the usual evaluative world. I write to make myself happy, content. To satisfy my quench to do whatever I like without wanting any validation. Don’t get me wrong, it does make me happy when people like my works and I’m hopeful for more but that’s it. There are no exams, tests nor grades. I can write whatever and say whatever. I’m not being judged. This is my world and you’re part of it. 

It started off one way and ended in a completely different way. That is how it is with me. My English teachers always have one thing to say to my mom during parent teacher meetings, “she drags her work so much that to go from one nostril to other. She goes all the way from behind to reach it”.

Anyways, I study because I can and it’s ability. I write because I want to and it’s a skill. 

That was my frustration today (3rd of December 2022). 

~The End~

I am not proud of this post the way it started but trust me this was how I felt for over 3 years. Also I noticed I was way blunter before. I had to edit my post to smoothen the blow gawd. 

You know when you think you’re doing your best but you just can’t seem to get one thing right? The one thing that justifies your hard work? For instance, your marks? I knew I wasn’t studying well, I knew I had to get better; I knew what I had to do. I also knew how to do it but somehow I never did it right. It would haunt me. I would cry hysterically, get my family worried, not understand the exact reason I’m crying, not able to focus on anything else, get burnt-out for not being productive for long etc. It was truly horrible. I remember in October, couple of months before I wrote this, we had Dusshera vacation. It was 10 days. I love my school. Naturally I planned to study everyday of the vacation. One day in, I couldn’t. I cried, like a lot. My mom said something that kinda stuck with me, “don’t study, it’s called vacation for a reason.”

She probably meant it as a light joke but I took it seriously. I loved that. I loved her so much for what she said to comfort me. What really ultimately helped me was when my father saw me cry hysterically in video call and said, “It is okay, don’t study”. That day marks the best day of comforting. Second was before my prefinals of paper 2 in ca foundation. I cried so much, I was also on hormones so it was even worse. My parents were so worried. I would shut the door and cry. They could hear me. I kinda waited for my mom to come but she didn’t. Later realised she knocked but I didn’t open. I cried the whole evening. I’m a night owl and my brain works only at night. So I don’t even try to study in the morning. That day too, I postponed my revision to night. But then, clock struck 9, I couldn’t study, 10 nope, 11 still no. That’s when it got to me; that’s when it truly hit me. I don’t want to study. I was so brunt-out, my brain wasn’t accepting any studying. Blacked out. 

I still remember that one week of CA foundation, my screen-time was 7 hours average. Insane. 

My conclusion is that it is okay to feel burnt out. It’s okay to not study. But just don’t let that get to your head for long. One day or the other you need to get back to your normal pace. Remember not to make the same mistakes again. For example- don’t try to be over-productive, don’t multitask, don’t push yourself too hard and stay healthy. Sleep is very important. Pulling an all-nighter before an exam is THE dumbest thing you can do. I’m not joking. 

I hope you learn from my mistakes. If you won’t, I hope you make the same mistakes and learn from them. You have to learn it one way or the other. 

Thank you for reading till the end.

I love you,

Rini.

TDD: ten day diary

In two words- pretty moody. In more words- they were nice; I really don’t remember any milestones. 

Have a great day <3

Byeee cutie