You're My Trauma

By Rini -

 You're the reason I h4te my mirror

You're the reason I hate myself

You're the reason behind the dark voices
You're the reason behind my shitty past

You make me wanna k1ll myself
All you gotta do is just exist

Whenever I look into your eyes
Oh my, my neck is near a knife
I saw you last night accidentally
And it speaks to me relentlessly

Oh you're my trauma
You're the beginning of the drama.
Oh i was a fool
To think i could live this through

My heart beats faster
My lungs breath faster
My blood moves faster
I wanna be unalive sooner

Oh the world has turned grey
Whenever I see you smile.

Oh the clouds above my head
Are as gloomy as my mind

You're my trauma
The one I can't leave behind
You're my trauma
The one I need to carry to the grave

Our eyes locked
And in seconds
I could feel the darkness
Cover my senses

I can see nothing but you
Oh the devil himself showed up
Not to kill me but to
Make me suffer till my last breath

You're the killer in my head
That whispers about death
Oh the dark voice speaks to me
Whenever you walk past me

The knife in my belly
Should stop the bleeding
But it hurts the most
When I have to live with it

If I just remove you
Maybe I'll bleed to death
But that's better than to
Live with the voices in my head

You're the salt to my wound
You're the nightmare to my day
You're the fuel to my fire
I thought I could live with you

But the knife is cutting through
I'd rather bleed to death
Than live with the voices in my head
You're my trauma.


(At first I believed, maybe if I just live with you I could get over it but that seem to be a far thought. Every time I see you, I'm filled with hatred, hatred for myself. I hate me when I see you. You make me feel the jealous and the guilt of living a better life. You make me feel the dirty emotions and feelings.
You're the ugly picture in my album, you're the period stain on my white pant, you're the bruise on my skin, you're the worst feeling, you're the knife to my belly, you're the hatred in my mind, you're the voices in my head, you're the ugly things in the world, you're the disbelief that breaks bonds, you're the betrayal of a good friendship, you're the lies in a perfect world, you're the party-pooper people hate, you're the surprise test on the last period, you're the maths period when it's supposed to be games, you're the mud in the rainy season, you're the ink stain in my diary, you're the broken piece of my photo frame, you're the missing piece of the puzzle, you're in everything i see and hate in this world. You're my trauma. And you always will be. There's nothing that you did that made me hate you, it's the feelings you made me feel that made this happen. It's not your fault, nor mine. We met in the wrong time and in the wrong place. Or that's how I like to conclude this. I can't possibly hate you forever nor am I thinking of forgiving you.
Maybe the whole thing can be a misunderstanding or some small mistake. But your sorry won't treat the wound in my heart and mind. I was and am hurt, and that won't change nonetheless. I'll be hurt Forever. You'll be unforgiven forever.
It's the best for both of us (or just me) if we never meet again.
I hope we don't cross paths with each-other again. The damage is done. No more salt to this wound.)

~The End~


i'm aware this is darker than any of my poems. this is a way of expressing something i would never speak a word with anyone. the amount of people i shared this with can be counted on fingers and considering the fact that my mouth is a never stopping machine, that's a big deal. 

i would rather not speak of this again, so please don't be curious in any way whatsoever. 
keep your questions to yourself. 

that's it,
love,
Rini.



TDD-  ten day diary
happy independence day everyone!! i presented a speech in english and it was so not worth it. (if any of my teachers are/is reading this, i'm sorry but it kinda ruined my plan for the day) i had fun with my previous school friends, we clicked a ton on pictures on my camera. oh did i tell you? my brother got me a camera for rakhi!! i love it, i decided to click at least one picture everyday! it's fun ngl
i have my exams from next week, and honestly i still didn't get hit by the "EXAMS!!!" stress so i'm stressing about not feeling the 'right' stress. make sense? don't ask questions pls. 
i have so much hw to do and here i am just editing for my 'fans' lmao. i need to post on insta as well. guys, editing is hard. ok? not soft hard, its hard hard. 

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