im not depressed lol

By Rini -


Enjoy!


the next lines aren't my words, 

they're from a skit inside my head.

im so depressed

i wanna kill myself  

i dont care about your feelings;

i just want to leave this

i cry myself to sleep every night

i dont think i can survive

i just want to lay all day

i dont wanna care about what people say

but i cant seem to take off your voice

its stuck in my brain like a damn noice

But then I'm glad you have a good voice

But hearing the same thing in my head

For almost everyday makes me dead.

you won't leave me alone 

I understood that now.

I'm feeling emotional

Seeing everything fall

Right before my eyes 

All my hardwork in just a night.

i dont relate to everything i write,

i just write things others wished they could write.

I learnt my fantasies

Aren't as uncommon as I thought.

Fantasizing about dying,

To see how people would react.

I wish I had some rare illness,

So that I can play victim

Before all my family and friends

And receive the sympathy.

I like being pitied

I don't know what's wrong

In it, as long you're victim

You get the love you longed.

If people normalised being a depressed 

Might as well normalise victimised.

I get nightmares about

My teeth falling out.

Didn't know it meant insecurities

Until I read a post about it.

Well ain't it funny,

Reading what I already

knew was in me 

All this time but didn't realise it.

It's like rubbing

Salt in my wound 

Bleeding with sadness

And hopelessness.

cutting through my wrist i feel no pain, 

disappointed with the outcome i wake up from my dream.

days when my worst insecurity crawls up

and ill be staring at the screen and feel so dumb 

So what if you're problems are bigger than mine 

I'm not here to compare but whine 

the flowers in my garden haven't bloomed yet

I see all my friends' on the internet

Then I feel sad and depressed

But I don't think it's any of our fault

They just need time and it's not wrong.

Sometimes I'm a philosopher,

Sometimes a councillor,

Sometimes a advisor,

But never the main actor.

All eyes on me or no eyes 

I still feel the anxiety

Watching movies all night 

Crying over nothing but blank screen.

I got a lot to say,

But what's the use for it in

An empty space 

Filled with, again just, me.

I see people dying in movies

I don't shed a single tear, 

Is something wrong with me?

But I bawl reading comics. 

Well anyways, it's not like

I'm depressed lol. 



Hah. Well that was pretty depressing. I just want to clarify that I'm not usually like this. All these lines were written during bad and maybe worse days. So there probably will be no flow between the lines. I can change it but decided to leave it like that. I felt like it shows how my mind works. Not very organized, you see. Even though I wrote a few lines in one day, they don't coincide and I didn't care about that. I just wanted to express my thoughts. And they are definitely not some good ones right here. 

I can just post the poem and leave it like that but I don't want to do that. As I always say, no misunderstandings. People fight because of unclear discussions. I don't want that. So anyways, I hope you don't relate to any of the stuff. If you do, just know that you're not alone. (And I don't wanna be alone as well. Is it sadistic if I hope you relate to this?) 


(10 days thingyy. The highlight was a little adventure with my friends. I bunked a class. (☉｡☉)! Be surprised because that's not a habit. The fact that it's my first one in this new school is not digestible to me yet. Oh and I bought a few used books from the library! I'm happy I got the ones in good condition. Yes that's right, some were in a really bad condition. Now I got some books to read. They are all short stories combined. 'A man needs a dog' I'm in love with this title! Btw I'm on a vacation. It's for 10 days lol. But they decided to take online classes :(  
I was talking with a friend yesterday and she mentioned about her writings and her pen name. I was surprised how I forgot about something so crucial! Sooo, I decided to coin my pen name aaaaand after much thinking, my pen name is " Rini ". It's my favorite name. I love it. :D. Ooh and my exams are over! )


Happyy Dusshera in advance!

Bye-bye see you soon!

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