it used to be bad

By Rini -

February, 2023

 

 

I’m drowning in my pills

The water is my tears

 

I’m swimming in the red pool

I regret cutting like a fool

 

2019 was a nightmare

I wish I could forget that

 

I still remember that phase

When I wished I didn’t exist

 

2020 was nothing better

I thought I’d cope up but was hopeless

 

I was deeper in the well

I was only sinking deeper

 

The red got redder

My eyes wetter

The place darker

My sky clouded

 

I prayed to even see a flower

In the garden of my graveyard

 

I watered with my tears

I waited for it to sprout

 

Little did I know

That the king gave me a dummy

 

It used to be bad

But it only got worse

‘Time heals’ they say

But the same time kills

Even the sun rays

 

When I least expected it

Everything went down the hill

It’s like they’re planning for my doomsday

But I am not even away

 

 

 

 

 

The last line, "But I am not even away," is open to interpretation and can be understood in various ways. Here are a few potential interpretations:

 

1. Resilience:  the line may convey a sense of resilience, indicating that despite the hardships and challenges mentioned in the poem, the speaker is still present and enduring. It suggests a strength to face difficulties without giving in to despair.

 

2. Perseverance:  It could be seen as a statement of perseverance, emphasizing the speaker's determination to persist through tough times. Even though the speaker has faced difficulties, they are not absent or defeated.

 

3. Existential Reflection:  The line might be interpreted as an existential reflection on the nature of existence. The use of "away" could imply distance or detachment, prompting contemplation on the speaker's connection to life and the world.

 

4. Uncertainty:  The ambiguity in the line leaves room for uncertainty. It could suggest a feeling of being in limbo or in a state of flux, where the future is unclear, and the speaker is neither completely present nor absent.

 

5. Continuation of Struggle:  Alternatively, it could signify an ongoing struggle. The speaker may be expressing that, despite facing difficulties, the challenges persist, and there is an awareness of the ongoing nature of the battle.

 

The beauty of poetry lies in its ability to evoke different emotions and interpretations from readers. The last line, with its ambiguity, allows readers to bring their own experiences and perspectives to the poem. Depending on one's own context and emotions, the interpretation can vary, making the poem a deeply personal experience for each reader.

 

 

 

The line, “That the king gave me a dummy”, is a throwback to the king and seed story. It’s about a king who valued honesty and wanted to test the children of his kingdom to see if they were honest. He gave all of them a seed to plant and asked them to come back a couple of months later. A boy is very sad that no plant came out of the pot he put the seed in, yet he went to the kingdom after 2 months. He was very shocked as he stepped inside; he saw all types of plants, beautifully grown in every kid’s pot. Embarrassed, he stayed in the back of the line. The king came to the court and saw the beautiful plants and frowned. His eyes were all around the room as if searching for something. Then he saw the young boy standing insecurely with his empty pot in his little hands. The king ordered the boy to come forward. Proudly, he clapped for the boy and appreciated his honesty for the king gave every child a dummy seed.

 

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